Oczuk vs Amzy
by LauraCynthia
Summary: Judge Rudy must decide who is in the right, Kuzco or Yzma?


Today, on Judge Rudy!  
Oczuk vs Amzy  
(Kuzco walks in with Pacha beside him. They pass Pacha's family in the audience.)  
The plaintiff, Kuzco Oczuk, is suing the defendant for $30,000 for usurping his position as emperor and misusing her authority for a period of time when he was away. He claims she also intended to kill him but instead turned him into a llama just so she could take over his job.  
(Yzma cat walks in, followed by a zealous Kronk.)  
The defendant, Yzma Amzy, is counter-suing the plaintiff for $15,000. She claims that he was doing a poor job as emperor and she had every right to take over his position. She is also suing for her job back.  
(Kuzco and Yzma take their places in the stands. Pacha and Kronk sit down behind their respective people.)  
J: Okay, court is now in session. First, we will have the plaintiff speak. Name, please?  
K: I thought they already said it in the intro.  
J: (slightly irritated) Name, please.  
K: All right. Kuzco Oczuk. I am the emperor of Peru.  
J: Please state your relation to the defendant.  
K: None whatsoever, and proud of it! Can't you tell? I don't look a thing like her. (shudders) Do I?  
J: I meant what is the defendant to you.  
K: (cough) Oh. She's my ex-advisor.  
J: I see. How long has she been employed by you?  
K: Like, forever. About 50 years or so.  
J: You hardly look that old.  
K: She worked for my parents and grandparents before that, in the same position. She worked for me for 11 years. My parents died when I was 7, and that's when I became the emperor.  
Y: Objection. Kuzco was the heir to the throne. I helped him with his duties until he was 18, and officially became emperor.  
J: That will be noted. Continue, Kuzco.  
K: Well, when I was a kid, Yzma wasn't that bad. She aided me in governing the country well. It was only about 2 years ago that she started taking things into her own hands. I didn't notice it, at first, because I was involved in other serious matters, and, well, she just...took over.  
Y: You were fooling around!  
K: I was relaxing!  
Y: When you should have been doing your duty!  
K: Talk about duty! You deprived people of food!  
J: Shut up! Shut up! (pause) The plaintiff is still speaking! Kuzco?  
K: She would come in and sit on my throne, with her servant Kronk by her side, and dispense 'justice'. I suppose I should've expected nothing less from her, although she had served my family well, there was just something about her.  
J: Please tell us about the assassination attempt.  
K: It was an ordinary day. I had just finished breakfast and a workout that morning, and was ready to go to my throne. Well, I walk in the throne room, and there's Yzma, acting like the empress. Doing my job behind my back. So I jog up the stairs to the throne, and sneak up on her, and scare her. She practically falls off the throne. So I ask her what she thinks she's doing, and she gives me this gibberish about "you were busy, I was only helping you", while I check out the mother of all broccoli bits jammed in between 2 crooked teeth-  
J: So, you're saying you didn't listen to her 'gibberish', did you?  
K: No. But I think I got the gist of it. It's the same thing she says all the time.  
J: I see. So she's done this before?  
K: Yes.  
J: Well, why did you pick this specific time to mention?  
K: Because I fired her. She was, of course, naturally upset.  
Y: Upset? I was mortified!  
J: You fired Yzma?  
K: Yes. This was the straw that broke the llama's back.  
J: How did she try to kill you?  
K: She had plotted with Kronk to poison me before my 18th birthday. Kronk's mental capacity is somewhat clouded, if I may say it; he's not really responsible for anything but saving my life?  
J: In what way?  
K: He got the potions mixed up. Instead of poison, he put extract of llama in my drink.  
J: Extract of llama? I've never heard of that before.  
K: Otherwise known as Llamium. I have a full chemical description of it right here.  
J: Bring it up.  
(The officer brings up a sheet of paper.)

Llamium  
Symbol: Ll  
State at Room Temperature: Liquid  
Ductile: No  
Malleable: Yes  
Shiny: Yes  
Conducts Electricity: Yes  
Other Names: Extract of Llama, Llama Potion  
Description: Llamium is a pink liquid. It is furry-textured when solid and  
harmless when gaseous. It reacts strongly with carbon-based life forms,  
altering their genetic makeup and causing them to portray llama-like  
qualities. Humans are most susceptible. The speed of change depends on the  
dosage, weight and age of the person receiving it. Llamium is itself a  
carbon derivative, and therefore can easily locate carbon-based life forms.  
The only way one can be affected by it is by drinking it. The taste and  
smell blend with those of which you are drinking it with. When consumed  
alone, it tastes like a thin, sweet broth. Strangely enough, one's vocal  
capacities, mind, and mobility are not affected. Victims may not even  
notice the changes until they see themselves in a mirror. Often, one's own  
looks are retained as a llama ( i.e. hair, facial expressions). One cannot  
be told from a real llama, except by llamas themselves. Llamium can be  
found in pure elemental form nearly all them time. It lasts indefinitely  
and never loses potency.  
J: So, Kronk put Llamium in your drink?  
K: Yes.  
J: And where did you get this description from?  
K: Yzma's files.  
J: I see. What happened after you consumed this llamium?  
K: I turned into a llama. Then, Yzma had Kronk knock me out. She told him to dispose with my body.  
J: She thought you were dead?  
K: No, but she wanted Kronk to kill me or cause my death. Of course, he couldn't do it.  
J: Like "Snow White"?  
K: Pardon?  
J: In "Snow White", the man the queen sends to kill Snow White can't and pretends to instead.  
K: Yes, exactly like that.  
J: What did Kronk do with you?

K: He carried me through the city and accidentally dropped me on Pacha's cart.

J: And he left you there?

K: Yes.

J: May I ask Pacha a few questions?

P: Yes?

J: Your full name?

P: Pacha Ahcap.

J: Did you meet the plaintiff before this time?

P: Yes. He had requested my presence that same day.

J: I see. What was the nature of his request?

P: He asked me where the most sun was on my hilltop.

J: That's a strange question. Did he tell you why he asked?

P: Yes. He planned to build a summer home on my hill.

J: What was he planning to do with you and your family?

P: Evict us from our homes. The whole village.

J: And yet Kuzco here says he is responsible?

K: I do.

J: A responsible ruler does not go off dancing around his palace acting like he has no obligations to his people. A responsible ruler doesn't evict an entire village just to make room for his own selfish desires without at least providing for the people he's evicting. Don't tell me you're responsible. You can't do that kind of stuff and tell me you're being responsible.

Y: Here, here.

K: But I-

J: Shut up. What happened when you discovered that the emperor was in your cart?

P: I didn't know he was the emperor at first, looking like a llama and all.

J: But you did find out that it was Kuzco?

P: Yes.

J: And what did you do upon finding this out?

P: I had an argument with him. For some crazy reason, he thought I turned him into a llama and kidnapped him.

J: If you insulted or embarassed me, and the next day you woke up and found that you had been shanghaid, who would you accuse first?

P: Uhhhh...

J: Me, right?

P: Uhhh, well not you, but anyone else who had done that,yeah.

J: Then is it really so crazy to believe that you kidnapped Kuzco? From Kuzco's perspective?

P: I suppose it isn't that hard to believe. If he knew me better then, he would have known that wasn't like me.

J: But he didn't. An emperor of a large kingdom can't possibly know everything about everybody, especially when he's hardly paying attention to his duties in the first place. So it isn't crazy. It's normal.

P: Yeah, okay.

J: What happened next?

P: Kuzco walked off into the jungle and said he could find his own way home. I have to admit, I told him to go ahead, after he failed to heed my warnings. If he died, my problems were over. No Kuzcotopia to worry about.

J: You didn't care if he died or not?

P: I was feeling very upset. I couldn't think rationally.

K: Yeah, but then you dashed in at the last second and saved my butt from killer jaguars. Was that more "irrational thought"?

P: (whispers) Kuzco, you're going to lose the case! (to the judge) I guess it was one of those "grandma lifts house off of grandchild" things. I ran in and helped him. Afterwards, we got into a bunch of trouble, you know, down the waterfall, Kuzco almost drowns, and then we camped for the night. Kuzco kept on talking about Kuzcotopia this and Kuzcotopia that. He also put out the fire 3 times. Then he went to sleep. A while later I noticed he was shivering and put my poncho on him.

J: Poncho?

P: The one I'm wearing now. It's pretty warm.

J:What happened in the morning?

P: Kuzco came up to me and returned my poncho. He said he was thinking about building his summer home on another hill. We shook hands and left the camp. We set out for the palace. It was a beautiful day. The bridge we were crossing was kind of rickety. After crossing it, it was only an hour to the palace. However, I fell through some boards and got tangled up in vines. I asked Kuzco for help and he said no. I asked him why and he said he was going to leave me here. I told him we shook hands on it and he said-

J: Llamas don't have hands.

P: Exactly.

J: So, what happened then?

P: He fell through a hole in the bridge. We exchanged blows and wound up falling down the side of the cliff. But somehow, we landed backs together, and walked up the cliffs. After a long time, we wound up back where we had started. It would now take 4 days to get to the palace.

J: What happened during that time?

P: Oh, it's a very long story.

J: Tell me. Summarize it.

P: We went to go eat at a diner, Kuzco saw Yzma and Kronk, not knowing they were looking for him to kill him, Yzma found out about Kronk's lie, that is, the one about Kuzco being dead, and we had an argument and split up, Kuzco went to a pity party in the jungle, we met up, evaded Yzma and Kronk who had found my house, went back to the palace, turned Kuzco back into a human, and Yzma accidentally got turned into a cat. Kuzco decides to build his summer home on the hill next to mine, and phew, end of story.

J: Kuzco, did you really change?

K: Yeah. That's the only good thing about the whole ordeal. I found a new buddy, (puts arm around Pacha) and an extended family (looks back at Pacha's family).

J: So now, you're thanking Yzma?

K: No, I'm just saying that something good came out of it. But I still suffered. The rain, the cold,-

Y: You put yourself in that mess!

K: I did not! I just-

Y: You played poor pity-me Kuzco! You don't deserve pity! You deserve a kick in the (bleep).

K: Oh, yeah?

J: Okay, okay, calm down! We will hear from the defendant next.

Y: Thank you.

J: Your name?

Y: Yzma Amzy.

J: Very good. Now, in your own words, please tell the court what happened.

K: I object! Yzma never had an original idea in her life!

J: I am not talking to you. You are not the defendant! (pause, rubs temples) Yzma? From the beginning.

Y: Well (cough) as you know, Kuzco has always been rather……..erm, hard to get along with. For one thing, he's always been very critical of my ability to relieve him of his duties when he decides to take a dancing break.

J: What duties exactly does your job entail?

Y: I am his advisor. My job is to provide aid, counsel, companionship, and occasionally, _replacement_, when Kuzco is, er, _disposed_, shall we say? Besides, he practically loafs all the time, so if it weren't for me, why the whole kingdom would just, fall apart!

J: Mmm hmm. Does that justify trying to kill him?

Y: We'll get to that later. Anyway, it was an ordinary day, and well, I was, once again, subbing for Kuzco. I was in the middle of dispensing justice, when all of a sudden, Kuzco waltzes in right behind me and makes some crack about how annoying peasants are. Then, I jump- I mean, I was terrified. The guy just sneaks up on me and scares the heck out of me. It's like he got pleasure out of it. He makes almost no noise when he wants to. Then, all of a sudden, he drops this bombshell about firing me! Fired! Just like that! He woulda been overthrown if it weren't for me. I'm the only thing that stood between that jerk and a _coup d'etat._

J: I repeat. Does any of that justify killing him? And furthermore, wouldn't you welcome a _coup d'etat_? He'd be gone. (pause) Unless you, of course, wanted the job yourself.

Y:W-we-well, I-

J:You did, didn't you? Do you have any idea what that means? Attempted murder, _Miss_ Amzy. Jail time. And yet you still went on with that?

Y: Well,it, was my idea………but I didn't do it myself.

J: Yes, I heard that. Poor Kronk. Is he the one standing beside you?

Kr: Uh huh.

J: I asked her. (to Yzma) Is he?

Y: Yes. Terrible at lying, Kronk is. I saw right through him. He didn't kill Kuzco.

J: State your name, sir.

Kr: Kronk Knork.

J: I sense a pattern here. How come all of your last names are your first names backwards?

Kr: Beats me.

J: Did Yzma ask you to kill Kuzco?

Kr: Yes.

J: How?

Kr: Well, first of all, she tried to get me to poison him with a potion.

J: The llamium?

Kr: Yeah, that's the sciencey name fer it. But no, she wanted poison. I got llamium by mistake.

J: So she tries to get you to kill Kuzco with poison, but you give him llamium instead. He turns into a llama and Yzma then does what?

Kr: She freaks. I thought Kuzco made a very nice-looking llama. She tells me to go kill him. I agree.

J: Maliciously?

Kr: When somebody like Yzma tells you what to do, you listen. 'Sides, she could give you potion just as easily. And just for the record, I don't know what "malshassily" means.

J: With evil intentions.

Kr: No,no! I was going to do it 'cause I was afraid! You can never tell with Yz. One moment she loves you, the next she wants to kill you.

J: Go on.

Kr: The thing is-

K: Murderer! (sniff)

Kr: The thing is-

K:Hang him!

J: Kuzco, you're not getting any sympathy because of this.

K: Crucif-what?

J: (sigh) Continue, Mr. Knork.

Kr: The thing is, I **did not** kill him. DID NOT. I-I-I……..(breaks up into tears) I AM A MURDERER! PRACTICALLY! (sobbing)

J: (to officer) Give him some tissue. (Officer does so. Kronk blows his nose loudly.)

K: Hey, the pity act didn't work with me, but with him, eh? FAVORTIST!

J: I am not favoring anybody. Continue.

Kr: At the last minute I saved him.

J: Kronk, what happened when you told Yzma that Kuzco was still alive?

Kr: She yelled at me.

J: She wanted him dead?

Kr: Yes.

J: What else did Yzma do upon learning that Kuzco was still alive?

Kr: She said that we should go out and look for him, to take care of him once and for all.

J:Those were her exact words?

Kr: I'm…….what do you call it when…..you say it differently from how it was………, you know, use different words?

J: I believe the word you want is "paraphrase"?

Kr: Uh, yeah, that's it. Darn it, that was the one word I never got right on the vocab tests……always spelled it with 2 p's.

J: It does have two p's.

Kr: Really? (pause) Then what on earth did I get wrong?

J: Search me. In any case, it's irrelevant.

Kr:What's that mean?

J: It has nothing to do with the case, Kronk.

Kr: Oh.

J: So she wanted to kill him, even after the first try didn't work?

K: I object. Second try. She tried to poison me, then she tried to get Kronk to kill me some other way.

J: Objection noted. (to Kronk) She wanted to kill him after the _second _try failed?

Kr: Yes, she did. She told me that we'd search each and every village for Kuzco.

J: This being after you said to her that some peasant had taken him?

Kr: Yes, that is correct.

J: And you did search the villages for Kuzco?

Kr: Yes, we did. Didn't find him. Until we stopped for lunch.

J:Kuzco, would you like to continue from here?

K: I sure do. I was famished.

P: He fainted

J: From hunger?

P: Yeah, he said he had low blood sugar.

K: Since birth. I was so hungry I could eat myself. Because llamas weren't allowed in the restaurant……oh no. (whispers to Pacha) Should I tell her?

P: (whispers) Go ahead.

K: So, I ……..dressed up like a woman and pretended to be Pacha's newlywed wife. Since I was a human-llama, I didn't want to eat grass.

J:There's a thing called 'takeout'. Or, at the very least, a doggy bag. Pacha could have simply brought something out to you.

K: I suppose that's true, but……

J: Anyway, this also happened to be the restaurant Yzma and Kronk stopped by, is that correct?

Y: Yes. I needed to sit down after all my arduous travel.

K: I object. Kronk was the one who carried Yzma on his back in a tent. (to Yzma) You didn't walk…..

J: Objection noted.

K: To make a long story short, they chased our butts all the way through the forest to the palace, Yzma tries to steal the human potion from me, she takes cat potion, I get the human potion, and good wins. I'm a nice guy, Pacha keeps his hilltop, Kronk finds occupational happiness, and Yzma is the proud owner of a gold filigree litterbox, for her personal use alone.

J: Okay, now. Kuzco, you want $30,000 from Yzma for the multiple murder attempts, and Yzma, you want $15,000 and your job back from Kuzco for your takeover of his kingdom temporarily. Is that right?

K and Y (in unison): Yes.

J: I'll tell you what I think. Kuzco, you really should have been doing your job. You weren't elected by the people, so you really don't deserve to do whatever you wish with them. You have a duty to your people. A duty which is far more important than free time, dancing, partying,……..do you understand that?

K: Guess.

Y: Yippee!

J: I'm not finished. Furthermore, Kuzco, Yzma is your advisor and successor, seeing as you have no children or wife. What she is not is your substitute on a whim. If you are seriously ill or have some important matters to deal with, that's one thing. To use her simply to replace you when you want to goof off is another.

Y: Isn't that what I've been saying all along?

J: Now, Yzma. I understand that you endured a lot of pressure at work, and that is not to be denied. But trying to kill Kuzco? And why on earth, if he is so bad as you say he is, do you want your job back? No matter what somebody does to you, that is no excuse for murder. Court rules in favor of the plaintiff……I hereby charge the defendant $30,000, to be paid to the plaintiff ASAP. (gavel bang)

Y: WHAT! I am never going to watch your show again! (growls, then runs out the door.)

K: YES! I win! (to Yzma) Kiss your highness's BUTT!

P: That worked out well.

Kr: Congrats, Kuz.

Fin 


End file.
